I Don’t Want a Stupid Title

i had a pretty hectic night.  talked on the phone to friends, watched something on TV, i think - oh yeah, that movie “The fountain.”  it was dumb.  i also drank some beer, slid down the hallway on my belly like a penguin, and helped my roommate open a bottle of wine with the back of a hammer.   i don’t want to get anyone toooooo jealous by this LIFESTYLE i lead, but there you have it.

i want to be the first person in the history of the world whose liver has its own postal code.

cheers!

okay, when i originally got the idea for that blog, i was actually thinking the indian ocean had no right to exist.  then, after studying a map for about five minutes, i concluded that, maybe, while considerably lamer than the antlantic and pacific oceans, the indian does bring a certain je ne sais quois to the table.  on the other hand, the arctic ocean, i had quickly concluded, brings absolutely zilch.

further more, while the arctic ocean is sitting up there, mostly frozen i suspect, antarctica is down at the south pole thinking, “who the hell did the north pole have to blow to get an ocean?”

it just doesn’t make sense. 

my original blog stands.

i was going to write on the arctic ocean today, but i just can’t bring myself to do it.

okay, here it is.  i don’t think it’s an ocean.  like pluto, it should be renounced.  it’s just the tops of the other oceans.

sigh.

A Book Report on Pride and Prejudice

by Rachel Slocombe

Pride and Prejudice is about a girl named Elizabeth and a man named Mr. Darcy.  Mr. Darcy likes Elizabeth, but she doesn’t like him because she thinks he’s a snob.  When he asks her to marry him, she says no.  But, after she sees how nice his house is, she falls in love with him and they get married.  Pride and Prejudice is a good book.  It teaches you that you should never judge a book by it’s cover, and that you should always marry for money.

The End.

The kid from Parenthood who wacks off to porn is Joaquin Phoenix.  I was watching it, and thinking, hey, that kid looks a little like Joaquin Phoenix, but blond.  Then, I thought, “Hey, he has a hair lip too.”  THEN I PUT IT TOGETHER.   I quickly IMDBed the film, and what do you know.  He’s billed as “Leaf Phoenix,” but it’s Joaquin all the same.  OMG.

what else am i supposed to do at work???  Enjoy!

“The Natural Philosopher’s Lament”

it’s almost been a decade, and you’re a phantom still
a trick of hope and fantasy, in a bitter sugar pill
you won’t unveil the shape you take, or let me hear your voice
as you basque in shade of knowledge, beneath the tree of choice
so i’ve combed this tangled fabric, to try and find a seam
evidence I’m not the only actor, cast in this lucent dream

calm for me, this tired heart, as it races speed of sound
before it breaks the barrier, or the other way around

I remember when we first met, back when I was so young
a student of post-modern theory, a child of convention
twenty years in the classroom, did well to numb my feet
keep me captive, through tired lectures, droning in repeat
too weak to stay awake for long, i had slumped down in my chair
repeating the words, “alone, alone” until you found me there

you did something for me that day, you saved my life I’m sure
but when breath no longer fills my lungs, will faith still be a cure?

maybe i was too willing, and eager to believe
in things that bring the weary comfort, the mind and soul, reprieve
i’m older now, it’s true, I know, we see things we want to see
and hunger’s love of the apple, can outweigh pull of gravity
but still, it makes me wonder, would Newton’s tears be spilled?
to see the poor-thing science maimed, and mathematics killed

so though i’d like to help you, this grave may be your bed
for when logic’s turned against feeling, imagination’s dead

on the subway, i want to help you.  you looked at me hopefully a few times, as if to say, “Should I be wearing this large, floppy, beret, jauntily, to one side?  Should I have paired it with this dark lavendar pashmina?  Tucked ascot style into my tweed jacket?  I only ask because I either have no roommate, or the roommate I have and who I did aske, clearly is either crazy, or untrustworthy.  Again, sorry to bother you, miss.  Just don’t want to look like a gigantic asshole, you understand.”

Wow, I really pinpointed that look.  God, I’m on sometimes.

i now understand why my parents thought this movie was terrible when we originally watched it in 1989.

another note.  who uses diaphrams?  they highlight it in this film as a contraceptive device some of the characters use.  i’m convinced no one ever uses a diaphram. 

next time i have meaningless, empty, hot, sex, i will say, “hold on a sec, let me just get my diaphram” just to see what he’ll say.  then, i’ll say “haha, just kidding.  you’ll pull out, right?”

and then we’ll do it.

who am i kidding.  it’s free internet porn for me.

I hate when they list something in the nutritional facts section as “natural” flavors.  could they possibly pin it down anymore than that?  what exactly constitutes a flavor that isn’t “natural” anyway?  something conjured up by Harry Fucking Potter?

Sorry to speak like that toward you Harry, I don’t know what I’m getting all bent out of shape at you for.