I Don’t Want a Stupid Title

if you have your eye on a new ergonomic chair for the office, don’t use the words “lazy boy” to describe it to HR.  because, in that case, trust me, it ain’t gonna happen.

okay, so laura was on the subway and this guy was creepily hitting on her.  then, he started to have some fight with the conductor guy (do they call them conductors on subways?  anyway….) and he shouted “If we was back in the PENITENTIARY, I’d fuck yo ass!”  (Laura and I both enjoyed that he called it the “penitentiary” for some reason.  i think it brings an element of class to an otherwise drab and tasteless sentence). 

so picture yourself in a screaming brawl with some chick ladies.  would you ever find yourself so pissed off that you would shout something like, “If we was in the PENITENTIARY right now, I would lick yo pussy!”

No, because that’s not how we operate.  The weiner is not a sword gentleman. Use it for good, not evil. If you guys could learn just this one lesson, then maybe we’d finally be getting somewhere…

why men shouldn’t cat call reason 438:

because, you might make the homely friend of the girl you’re cat calling feel bad.  at least if you’re going to do it, be a gentleman and throw a few perversions my - i mean her way.

i was buying some .99 miller lite’s at the store today.  this diminutive dominican woman caught me at the check out and said “dollar?” I said, “what?”  pretending like i couldn’t understand her, though her accent wasn’t all that thick, and it was obvious what she was saying.  so, i pretended like i didn’t have any cash.  i pantomimed a credit card swipe, and shrugged all “soorrrry.”  so, she spoke in spanish to the clerk, who opened up the register and handed her a dollar, looking at me for approval.  apparently, those words i could not understand in spanish set the whole neat and tidy little transaction up.  i would charge and extra buck to my card, they would give her the dollar.  huh? did i ever agree to this?  i guess, but only technically. 

not quite duped, but, ya know.