I Don’t Want a Stupid Title

rant on Ayn Rand’s “The Fountainhead.”

I will be brief, a courtesy she did not extend to me.

This is a really stupid, long, boring book.  It is redundant.  Did I say it’s redundant?

I am so bored of this book, that this rant really will be brief.  I never want to think about that stupid book again.

Ayn, you are a sadist and a sociopath.  Your ideas are ridiculous, and I can’t belief that crap was published.  I got what you were trying to say (ten times over) in the first 150 pages.  If you had stopped there, maybe the experience would have been enjoyable.  You did not stop at 200 or 300 or 400 or even 700.  Your torture lasted me 752 pages. 

I have so much smack to talk about this book, it’s exhausting, and maybe I will some day.  I wish I had read it in high school so I could have wrote a scathing critique.  Somehow, I don’t feel this is the venue. 

I think maybe I’ll take a few days to cool off, and try again later.

okay, so George Washington chops down the cherry tree.  His dad comes home and is simply livid.  George is guilty.  “okay pops, here’s the dish.  while i can’t help but occasionally and psychotically destroying fruit bearing plants, it also just so happens that i cannot tell a lie.” as george pisses on the soil where a raspberry bramble grows, wondering alloud when his mom might be done in the garden so that he’ll finally have a chance to unapologetically fire that musket of his at her pumpkin patch, his dad is thoroughly concerned.  he just hopes jonny appleseed has enough god damned sense to stay the hell outta these here parts. you see, he’s just not sure what his son is capable of….

i would like to officially set the barrier.  a benchmark, if you will, as to what shade of skin crisp one should not try and surpass.  It actually happens a lot sooner than many of you would think.  Jersey girls, I’m talking to you.  

Also, if you can manage it, try and be less booby than the above.  And if you insist on being booby, be booby within the friendly constraints of a bra.  This is a family planet.

 i post this because maureen reminds me that our t-shirt slogan ideas weren’t totally lame as are many.  here are some of them:

“7 out of 10 men prefer me to masturbation.”

“Not technically a leper”

“Genetics are a Bitch”

 ”Oh, I thought you said CHEESE”

that last one I just made up.

I had a dream last night in which I was watching a Lakers game, and I found it really exciting.  So, for a split second, I guess you could say I understood team sports and why the hell people want to watch them.  Now, the dream makes no sense to me, whatsoever.  I remember thinking that Kobe was a genius (you know, as a player), when, in reality, I think he is probably a rapist and I wish his hot wife would dump his ass.  God, this blog is reminding me why I hate sports so much.

what would you rather do if forced?  make out with yourself, or have sex with yourself?  i almost have to go with the sex…making out is just too up close and personal.  especially if i could strap one on and do myself like that.  there would be very limited physical contact that way.  i would flip myself over and take myself from behind. i think i would maybe give me some GHB first to ease both our minds, and just try and have fun with it.

p.s. oh god, why do i think about this stuff???

ok, some of you may remember my last million dollar idea.  i had it (with Maureen) in 1998.  we thought we could be sitting atop a gold mine if we could mass produce plain t-shirts with really obnoxious slogans on them.  like “Dump Him” or “Drama Queen.”  then, of course, as we did not act, the annoying t-shirt thing exploded a couple of years later.

so, who is with me on this new endeavor?  i don’t want to miss the boat twice!

here it is:  cheetos minus the annoying orange dust.  our slogan would be “no dust, no muss!” 

anyone have a minor in chemistry or something?  any tips or ideas on how we can make this MONEY IN THE BANK?

 

Is the guy I get my assignments from.  The only guy.  Yet, every time I bring back a completed assignment sheet, he asks, “Oh, did you need another one?” 

What does he think I do here?  Does he think they have me cleaning toilets on the side?  Like, when they hired me for the whole document review thing, they were all “I see on your resume you know your way around a bottle of Windex.  I wish more of our attorneys weren’t afraid to get their hands dirty…”  They hand me some rubber gloves, “You can start by cleaning out the fridge, and when you’re done with that, I think we’d like you to take a look at that privilege log.  Yep, I think this is going to work out fine.  Just fine.”

forget about carb counting.  i am releasing a diet book later in the year with my no fail plan for keeping slim and trim.  I call it “The Alcohol Diet.”  now, i know what you’re thinking, “don’t they tell you to stay away from alcohol if you’re trying to lose weight?”  Yes!  they do tell you that! well, i’m here to finally end the myth!  while alcohol (read binge drinking) will make you gain weight IN ADDITION to a normal 2000 calorie diet, if all you do is drink alcohol, problem solved!

1) eat a sensible breakfast - like a cup of coffee for instance and a handful of free office pretzels, or whatever else they have there in the reception area, all crushed up and aging in a bowl

2) eat a sensible lunch - say, some Doritos out of the vending machine they have in your office that only charges .60…what a steal!

and 3) have a sensible dinner - say, two or three 24 ounce beers that they sell for .99 at the store next to your house, and some stove top stuffing that’s been in the back cupboard since you moved in.

voila!  i guarantee you will lose weight, and wow - economically!  you could wind up, literally, dicing your food costs!

man, i should run for office or something.  it’s a shame to waste this great mind pertending to work for a living…

on the subway, clearly showing off by solving it like five times in the span of a ten minute ride.  what can i do on the subway to blatantly show off?  this is when it occurs to me, i have no skills.  not even anything gimmicky and pointless like being able to solve a rubix cube.  and the skills i do have - drawing dirty pictures in Crayola - are sadly non-portable.  sigh.