I Don’t Want a Stupid Title

I just told the biggest lie I’ve told since I don’t know when:

I was at the library trying to get a library card, and you have to fill out a form with your address and show your ID.  The guy is like, your addresses don’t match, so you have to bring something like an electric bill that proves you live at that address.  So what did I do?

I told him my parents live at the address on my license and they could still contact me there!  BIG LIE!  It’s my address from when I got my license renewed or something like FOUR years ago!  They can’t reach me there!  HA!

So this is what the fast lane’s like, eh?  Sweeet.

So, I started a new job recently, and when my new employer showed me around the office and asked if I had “any questions?”  I naturally asked where the employee hammock was.  He looked at me like I was insane.  And not just insane….lazy.  It just got me really furious, and I had to vent.

No one cares about employee’s rights anymore!  Because if I won’t take their abuse, they can always get some foreigner to replace me, and so they can keep on trampling all over us. I’m just feeling pissed and helpless, you know? 

The number one slot on my shit-list has just changed from Crystal Pepsi to AutoFormat.

I hate you AutoFormat.  I really, really hate you.  You mess with my margins, and I don’t know how to turn you off.  You’re only really useful when making a numbered list, but really, how hard is it to number things anyway?  I hate you, I really hate you…your loathsomeness is so all consuming, that it makes me forget why I ever hated Crystal Pepsi.

Just kidding, I never really hated Crystal Pepsi so much as I was just really disappointed by it.

I remember when they started advertising for it.  I was so excited, I would actually endure the grocery store with my mother for her four hour long weekly visits because I didn’t trust her to bring it home on her own.

And another thing: what the hell do mothers do in the grocery store for four hour intervals?  just push an empty cart down the aisles aimlessly tossing in cleansers and paper towels (and wheat germ and croutons, for the love of god why so many boxes of croutons???)

***Update 10/22:  I figured out why it takes them so long.  They clip coupons.  Recenly I tried this, and I was in there forever.  You can’t keep them straight and you have to figure out which product the coupon is referring to.  They’ll even use elaborate boxes and binders to organize their coupons, but it still takes a long time.  That’s the only thing in this crazy world I’m certain of.

When i went to Maureen’s wedding registry at bed bath and beyond, i wasn’t really sure what to get her.  Then I saw it:  the steel plunger set.  Unbelievably, no one had snatched it up yet, so I immediately charged it to my VISA and included the personalized message “Dear Maureen & Keith;  To big things in your futures, and to even bigger things in your toilet.  Love, Rachel.” 

And that’s the moment I knew: You couldn’t ask for a better friend than me.

I hate my pants that go to great lengths to hide the fact that there’s a button holding them up.  you know, those pants with the flap that wraps around the side and closes with a clasp, though inevitably there’s another hidden button inside you have to do up first?  I’m sick of struggling to put my pants on.  Am I the only person in the world who feels this way?  What’s so offensive about a visible button on pants?  Do boys’ pants do this?  It’s really stupid!

health insurance is for people who don’t know how to suck it up.

my health insurance (currenly paid for by my parents) will run out when I turn 26.  Am I going to be a pussy and sign up again under my own buck?  Heck no!  And not because I have no money, honestly…

Think about it, you don’t really need health insurance:

1) If you get sick you can just wait for it to pass.

2) If you get really sick, you can try one of those free clinics.

3) If you get deathly sick, you can always put a jar with your picture on it at your local 7-11. 

4) If you break your arm or something, you can just SUCK IT UP.  After all, sometimes these things heal on their own.  If not, not to worry, the tissue will eventually die and fall off.

See? I hope a lot of you pussies are now second guessing yourselves about whether or not you should feed into all the typical propaganda (started by the health industry…they are trying to turn a profit after all.  No coincidence there…wise up people!)