hysterical things from the nineties
Here are some random scraps from the ”once found humorous catacombs” in my brain. Or something like that.
1) On the sitcom “Ellen,” Ellen’s flirty best friend Paige has a thing for this studly policeman played by the studly quarterback from ”Teen Witch.” (yes, I know I’m the only one who watched “Teen Witch.” That’s not the point - and no, I don’t have one [and yes that was an homage to Ellen, all you Ellen fans should know I'm talking about the title of her first book.]). And yes I just put brackets within parentheses, I don’t see any rule in punctuation against it.
But all pointless tangents aside.
So Paige has this thing for the hunkalicious policeman, but doesn’t want to seem her usual ho-ish self around him. She tells Ellen she wants to come off as “kind of shy, and demure.” So, what does that zany Ellen do? She introduces her to the cop as “…my friend Paige. She’s kind of shy and demure.” I like to think I nearly pissed myself, but I don’t really remember. It was like eight years ago.
2) This show from the mid nineties called “Boston Common.” I think I was the only one who ever saw it because there were like four episodes. This one episode, the sister of this guy (who would later star in “Yes Dear,” which everyone makes fun of as being a really bad show, but I thought it was kind of funny when I finally saw it about two years ago because I had no cable and no friends and was forced to watch whatever the networks had to offer on my fuzzy little twelve inch screen, living in the ghetto by myself, and I swear no one ever came into my apartment except my landlord once and a the cable guy eventually when I couldn’t take life without cable any longer. This is why my cat Penny is terrified of people. She thought I was the only one for the first year of her life. A cat’s kitten days are very important because that’s when they’re developing a lot of their social skills. I really have no idea if that’s true or not. I totally made it up).
All pointless tangents aside…
So the sister of the dude later to star in “Yes Dear,” is making fun of a hairdo he had when he was a kid. She says something to the effect of, you were the only boy to have the Dorothy Hammel. To which he replies, crisply, “I told the barber something short and classy.“
I’m sure I nearly pissed myself. Ten years later, I’m not too sure why.
3) Finally, this last one (I promise no more tangents, I just don’t have the energy) was one of Jay Leno’s headlines. So, there’s a picture of a blow up bed in the back of a hatchback, and the hatchback is up. The caption reads, “Next time you have out of town guests, pamper them with this luxurious air mattress.” Jay says: “Yes, pamper them by letting them sleep in the back of your car.”
I really think I pissed my pants. Last night when I remembered it, I cracked up for a solid five minutes. I chuckle now as I type.
Maybe you had to be there.
One final tangent, what is it about a good laugh that makes me lose all control of my bladder? And finally, what is it about other people who don’t want to accept those who have the tendency to lose all control of their bladder from time to time? Really, it hasn’t happened since I was eleven. I remember it all too well. Long story short, on the way to a soccer game about an hour away. I was wearing long johns. You get it.
